John and I had a wonderful time last weekend. During my day off on Friday I treated myself to a day of pampering – new hair style, pedicure and manicure. I really felt like God was giving me a day to just enjoy being spoiled by him. How wonderful! That evening, John and I enjoyed time with friends at the Gateway Staff Christmas Party. Saturday we created our e-Christmas card together and began sending to friends and family around the country (if you are wondering why you didn’t get one, you might want to make sure I have your email address!). That afternoon we launched into our 6-year anniversary celebration, which included dinner followed by hanging out with friends as JJ and his band jammed out some tunes at a nearby coffee shop. Celebration continued into Sunday with brunch at our favorite spot, Café Java in Round Rock, followed by an afternoon of football – including a win by my Steelers! – and an evening of celebration at Gateway’s 180 Christmas service. It was exactly what I had wanted the weekend to be, yet something in me did not feel right…
A little history might shed some light. A couple of weeks ago, John and I did a smoothie and soup cleanse. This broke some really bad eating habits that had crept back into our lives and also made us feel better about ourselves. For me it broke a fixation on food that had been developing this year. Since ending the cleanse the weekend before, we had eaten very healthy all week, had lost several pounds and had not indulged in dessert or really been distracted by a desire for it. I planned ahead for how I would handle food on the celebratory weekend. I knew I would have dessert on Friday and Saturday and enjoy something decadent at brunch on Sunday. So, all other meals that weekend were healthy. And yet, after not really enjoying the Friday evening meal or dessert, I found myself become fixated on food again. The meal had not met my expectations and I was disappointed and now had to find a way to meet the desire for a really good dessert. The problem is, no food will ever truly satisfy. The fixation with getting a “fix” from food is unhealthy and it was shocking to see how quickly it had crept back in!
But there was more, although quite linked I believe. I had enjoyed a true day of luxury on Friday. Not to sound like a martyr because John and I are very blessed to be able to enjoy evenings out, vacations, wonderful meals, and a comfortable spacious home, but I don’t generally fixate on myself and beautifying for an entire day, so it really was a treat. However, it switched something in my brain. That evening when it came time to pick out a gift from Gateway at the party, I was completely me focused. Rather than getting a gift labeled “anyone” (meaning it wasn’t gender specific and could be shared by me and John) I picked one labeled “female”. Then I wasn’t thrilled with what it was and started getting this yucky feeling inside because others were opening gifts that were cool and how come I hadn’t gotten that or that or… well you get the picture. Ugly!
What I noticed was the more time I spent during the weekend experiencing luxury – good meals, entertainment, receiving gifts – the more I became dissatisfied because my expectations of these things were not being met. It is so challenging for me to get my mind around this, but the truth is I feel much more fulfilled and full when I am not focused on getting what I want or need. I had much more joy tutoring at the refugee class and staying out later than intended so that I could provide a ride home for a refugee man who otherwise would have had to take 3 buses to get home than I did focused on eating lovely free meals, getting gifts and just enjoying entertainment. What?! How do I feel more fulfilled serving than being served?! It seems so backwards.
So this truly demonstrated to me, without my even trying to make this some sort of life experiment, the wonderful upsidedowness of Jesus’ message: It is truly more life giving to serve others than oneself. I can see it every day… as soon as I become caught up in my own expectations – be they of how quickly the cashier should ring up my groceries or what a particular meal would taste like or how a friend should have known what to say to me in a given circumstance – I become disappointed and ugliness begins to rise up in me. But when I focus on caring for others, be they my family and friends, refugees I volunteer with, or complete strangers that just need a smile or help picking up the orange they dropped while shopping in the produce section – I fill filled with love for them and for myself. And I feel like I get a glimpse of how God sees us; not with judgment but with love and a desire to help us even in our ugliness! I'm so grateful for that because I see now that that ugliness rises in me soooo easily. It is humbling to learn this and it is exciting to know that by simply focusing on others I not only become a better person but my life is actually richer for it!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Important Stuff
I was starting to feel pressure because I haven’t written in the blog for a week. I know all my adoring fans are anxiously awaiting my next entry (all 3 of you – your support is tremendously appreciated!). And so much has happened this week. Each experience would have made a great entry. But the truth is, there wasn’t time to both experience the relationships and events of this week and write about them. So, hopefully, I chose the important stuff. See what you think…
Last Saturday we spent the day as a family playing games until James had to go to school to work on the show. That evening Josh, John and I just hung out – no agenda, no events.
Sunday we launched the Global Gift Fair at Gateway. An event that supports crafts people in under-resourced countries as well as our partners in the Dominican Republic and Zambia while also sharing information with Gatewayers about needs around the globe and giving them an opportunity to purchase gifts or make donations that benefit these under-resourced areas. I helped Anne set up and oversee the event, shared information with a lot of folks, and got to see many happy faces as people found “just the right gift” for someone they loved. Then I got to go home and watch the Steelers kick the Patriots’ butt!
On Monday I was blessed to see a friend who I have not seen in a year. Her life is a testament to the power of prayer and her faith in God as our loving Father. She is battling several serious illnesses, not the least of which is leukemia. Her story of how God has saved her life time and time again and how even when she wants to give up she knows that if she is still here He must have a purpose for her was humbling and inspiring! Would I have that much faith and courage if I faced what she is facing? We prayed together and ate together and exchanged gifts. It was such a lovely time.
Tuesday I learned a lot about leadership and team work as I sat with the directional team at Gateway in our morning meeting. In staff meeting I was convicted (as I would be many times last week), that I was not spending enough time in prayer, alone and with others. I also shared the challenges I’ve been facing with fibromyalgia with the staff. The support that was shown to me by many was really encouraging. I absolutely love the people I work with!
Wednesday started really early for me – 5:45 am! Some of you are laughing at the thought that I’d actually even get up that early. But it was sooo worth it. I had the privilege of taking Miriam and her mom, Jamilah, to her middle school for breakfast where we celebrated outstanding students, including Miriam, who were being nominated that morning. I met Miriam’s teacher, Kathleen, who had nominated her for the award, which recognizes not just academic success but focuses on exemplary citizenship. Kathleen has Miriam for ESL class 3 hours each day. She bragged on Miriam, who in returned blushed but also beamed. Afterwards, Jamilah and I found our way to Abdallah’s school (he’s the boy I talked about in my last entry) to drop him off because he’d missed his bus. It was sooo wonderful that when we turned the corner and Abdallah saw his school, he started excitedly repeating “my school, my school”. The fuss over not wanted to go to school that morning immediately forgotten as he led us through the halls to his classroom.
Thursday is my official favorite day of the week! Yes, driving class! I have to admit, I was tired by Thursday night as it is the last day of my work week. But I knew I would not regret getting out to driving class. So, I coaxed myself out the door, drove to class and felt immediately alive as I walked through the door and saw Gabrielle – the dad of the Burundian family Gateway helped to resettle last year. There he stood in his cowboy hat (see photo)! He is such a clown – I just love it. I got to be his tutor and it was a blast. What was really amazing to me though was getting to talk to him. When the team and I met him and his family at the airport last September, we could only communicate with smiles and through an interpreter. For the first time on Thursday, I was having conversations with Gabrielle (his English is really coming along) and I seriously kept tearing up. It is soooo amazing to me how God uses us to truly impact the lives of others. Gabrielle and his family are in the US after nearly 30 years in refugee camps because of the commitment, generosity and love of many Gatewayers. To see Gabrielle beginning to learn the skills he needs to “succeed” in the US and know that he and his family will therefore be ok, was such a blessing! To hear him say as he has from day one: “no English, no life” and see that he is committing himself to that belief was really amazing. He works many, many hours of hard labor each week and still comes out to class 4 nights a week. No English, no new job, no life is what he now says. And he is committed to doing what it takes to make sure he and his family make it!
Friday Josh, John, Bill, MaryKay and I all went to see James in his play, JB. Since starting at MacCallum last year, James has been behind the scenes as he is a technical theater major. But last night he had two roles in the play. The main role was quite interesting… a fire and brimstone pastor in the WWII era. And he played it fabulously! He does not get home from rehearsal until 10pm most nights and still has to do homework. On weekends, most of his afternoon and evening is also at the theater, yet he has never given me a hard time about doing his chores. I am so impressed with him and his commitment to doing what it takes to achieve his goals as well.
Seems that a theme is emerging here, doesn’t it?
So I guess it is only fair that I close with mention of Josh. Today, I had the pleasure of helping him with his science report. He was so humble as I made suggestions and he taught me a lot as he shared the report with me. He spent several hours finishing his research today (after several weeks of research and conducting an experiment). I spent maybe 2 hours helping him type it up. Without solicitation he thanked me for helping him in such a genuine way it brought tears to my eyes. His heart is so special and I love getting to spend time with him and witness that.
Not a bad week, huh? I feel like I got this one right… spent time on relationships and was able to learn from so many people. A week like this gives me such encouragement about myself, others and the world. I pray that your week will be equally blessed!
Last Saturday we spent the day as a family playing games until James had to go to school to work on the show. That evening Josh, John and I just hung out – no agenda, no events.
Sunday we launched the Global Gift Fair at Gateway. An event that supports crafts people in under-resourced countries as well as our partners in the Dominican Republic and Zambia while also sharing information with Gatewayers about needs around the globe and giving them an opportunity to purchase gifts or make donations that benefit these under-resourced areas. I helped Anne set up and oversee the event, shared information with a lot of folks, and got to see many happy faces as people found “just the right gift” for someone they loved. Then I got to go home and watch the Steelers kick the Patriots’ butt!
On Monday I was blessed to see a friend who I have not seen in a year. Her life is a testament to the power of prayer and her faith in God as our loving Father. She is battling several serious illnesses, not the least of which is leukemia. Her story of how God has saved her life time and time again and how even when she wants to give up she knows that if she is still here He must have a purpose for her was humbling and inspiring! Would I have that much faith and courage if I faced what she is facing? We prayed together and ate together and exchanged gifts. It was such a lovely time.
Tuesday I learned a lot about leadership and team work as I sat with the directional team at Gateway in our morning meeting. In staff meeting I was convicted (as I would be many times last week), that I was not spending enough time in prayer, alone and with others. I also shared the challenges I’ve been facing with fibromyalgia with the staff. The support that was shown to me by many was really encouraging. I absolutely love the people I work with!
Wednesday started really early for me – 5:45 am! Some of you are laughing at the thought that I’d actually even get up that early. But it was sooo worth it. I had the privilege of taking Miriam and her mom, Jamilah, to her middle school for breakfast where we celebrated outstanding students, including Miriam, who were being nominated that morning. I met Miriam’s teacher, Kathleen, who had nominated her for the award, which recognizes not just academic success but focuses on exemplary citizenship. Kathleen has Miriam for ESL class 3 hours each day. She bragged on Miriam, who in returned blushed but also beamed. Afterwards, Jamilah and I found our way to Abdallah’s school (he’s the boy I talked about in my last entry) to drop him off because he’d missed his bus. It was sooo wonderful that when we turned the corner and Abdallah saw his school, he started excitedly repeating “my school, my school”. The fuss over not wanted to go to school that morning immediately forgotten as he led us through the halls to his classroom.
Thursday is my official favorite day of the week! Yes, driving class! I have to admit, I was tired by Thursday night as it is the last day of my work week. But I knew I would not regret getting out to driving class. So, I coaxed myself out the door, drove to class and felt immediately alive as I walked through the door and saw Gabrielle – the dad of the Burundian family Gateway helped to resettle last year. There he stood in his cowboy hat (see photo)! He is such a clown – I just love it. I got to be his tutor and it was a blast. What was really amazing to me though was getting to talk to him. When the team and I met him and his family at the airport last September, we could only communicate with smiles and through an interpreter. For the first time on Thursday, I was having conversations with Gabrielle (his English is really coming along) and I seriously kept tearing up. It is soooo amazing to me how God uses us to truly impact the lives of others. Gabrielle and his family are in the US after nearly 30 years in refugee camps because of the commitment, generosity and love of many Gatewayers. To see Gabrielle beginning to learn the skills he needs to “succeed” in the US and know that he and his family will therefore be ok, was such a blessing! To hear him say as he has from day one: “no English, no life” and see that he is committing himself to that belief was really amazing. He works many, many hours of hard labor each week and still comes out to class 4 nights a week. No English, no new job, no life is what he now says. And he is committed to doing what it takes to make sure he and his family make it!
Friday Josh, John, Bill, MaryKay and I all went to see James in his play, JB. Since starting at MacCallum last year, James has been behind the scenes as he is a technical theater major. But last night he had two roles in the play. The main role was quite interesting… a fire and brimstone pastor in the WWII era. And he played it fabulously! He does not get home from rehearsal until 10pm most nights and still has to do homework. On weekends, most of his afternoon and evening is also at the theater, yet he has never given me a hard time about doing his chores. I am so impressed with him and his commitment to doing what it takes to achieve his goals as well.
Seems that a theme is emerging here, doesn’t it?
So I guess it is only fair that I close with mention of Josh. Today, I had the pleasure of helping him with his science report. He was so humble as I made suggestions and he taught me a lot as he shared the report with me. He spent several hours finishing his research today (after several weeks of research and conducting an experiment). I spent maybe 2 hours helping him type it up. Without solicitation he thanked me for helping him in such a genuine way it brought tears to my eyes. His heart is so special and I love getting to spend time with him and witness that.
Not a bad week, huh? I feel like I got this one right… spent time on relationships and was able to learn from so many people. A week like this gives me such encouragement about myself, others and the world. I pray that your week will be equally blessed!
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