Life Experiment

John and I had a wonderful time last weekend. During my day off on Friday I treated myself to a day of pampering – new hair style, pedicure and manicure. I really felt like God was giving me a day to just enjoy being spoiled by him. How wonderful! That evening, John and I enjoyed time with friends at the Gateway Staff Christmas Party. Saturday we created our e-Christmas card together and began sending to friends and family around the country (if you are wondering why you didn’t get one, you might want to make sure I have your email address!). That afternoon we launched into our 6-year anniversary celebration, which included dinner followed by hanging out with friends as JJ and his band jammed out some tunes at a nearby coffee shop. Celebration continued into Sunday with brunch at our favorite spot, Café Java in Round Rock, followed by an afternoon of football – including a win by my Steelers! – and an evening of celebration at Gateway’s 180 Christmas service. It was exactly what I had wanted the weekend to be, yet something in me did not feel right…

A little history might shed some light. A couple of weeks ago, John and I did a smoothie and soup cleanse. This broke some really bad eating habits that had crept back into our lives and also made us feel better about ourselves. For me it broke a fixation on food that had been developing this year. Since ending the cleanse the weekend before, we had eaten very healthy all week, had lost several pounds and had not indulged in dessert or really been distracted by a desire for it. I planned ahead for how I would handle food on the celebratory weekend. I knew I would have dessert on Friday and Saturday and enjoy something decadent at brunch on Sunday. So, all other meals that weekend were healthy. And yet, after not really enjoying the Friday evening meal or dessert, I found myself become fixated on food again. The meal had not met my expectations and I was disappointed and now had to find a way to meet the desire for a really good dessert. The problem is, no food will ever truly satisfy. The fixation with getting a “fix” from food is unhealthy and it was shocking to see how quickly it had crept back in!

But there was more, although quite linked I believe. I had enjoyed a true day of luxury on Friday. Not to sound like a martyr because John and I are very blessed to be able to enjoy evenings out, vacations, wonderful meals, and a comfortable spacious home, but I don’t generally fixate on myself and beautifying for an entire day, so it really was a treat. However, it switched something in my brain. That evening when it came time to pick out a gift from Gateway at the party, I was completely me focused. Rather than getting a gift labeled “anyone” (meaning it wasn’t gender specific and could be shared by me and John) I picked one labeled “female”. Then I wasn’t thrilled with what it was and started getting this yucky feeling inside because others were opening gifts that were cool and how come I hadn’t gotten that or that or… well you get the picture. Ugly!

What I noticed was the more time I spent during the weekend experiencing luxury – good meals, entertainment, receiving gifts – the more I became dissatisfied because my expectations of these things were not being met. It is so challenging for me to get my mind around this, but the truth is I feel much more fulfilled and full when I am not focused on getting what I want or need. I had much more joy tutoring at the refugee class and staying out later than intended so that I could provide a ride home for a refugee man who otherwise would have had to take 3 buses to get home than I did focused on eating lovely free meals, getting gifts and just enjoying entertainment. What?! How do I feel more fulfilled serving than being served?! It seems so backwards.

So this truly demonstrated to me, without my even trying to make this some sort of life experiment, the wonderful upsidedowness of Jesus’ message: It is truly more life giving to serve others than oneself. I can see it every day… as soon as I become caught up in my own expectations – be they of how quickly the cashier should ring up my groceries or what a particular meal would taste like or how a friend should have known what to say to me in a given circumstance – I become disappointed and ugliness begins to rise up in me. But when I focus on caring for others, be they my family and friends, refugees I volunteer with, or complete strangers that just need a smile or help picking up the orange they dropped while shopping in the produce section – I fill filled with love for them and for myself. And I feel like I get a glimpse of how God sees us; not with judgment but with love and a desire to help us even in our ugliness! I'm so grateful for that because I see now that that ugliness rises in me soooo easily. It is humbling to learn this and it is exciting to know that by simply focusing on others I not only become a better person but my life is actually richer for it!

The Important Stuff

I was starting to feel pressure because I haven’t written in the blog for a week. I know all my adoring fans are anxiously awaiting my next entry (all 3 of you – your support is tremendously appreciated!). And so much has happened this week. Each experience would have made a great entry. But the truth is, there wasn’t time to both experience the relationships and events of this week and write about them. So, hopefully, I chose the important stuff. See what you think…
Last Saturday we spent the day as a family playing games until James had to go to school to work on the show. That evening Josh, John and I just hung out – no agenda, no events.
Sunday we launched the Global Gift Fair at Gateway. An event that supports crafts people in under-resourced countries as well as our partners in the Dominican Republic and Zambia while also sharing information with Gatewayers about needs around the globe and giving them an opportunity to purchase gifts or make donations that benefit these under-resourced areas. I helped Anne set up and oversee the event, shared information with a lot of folks, and got to see many happy faces as people found “just the right gift” for someone they loved. Then I got to go home and watch the Steelers kick the Patriots’ butt!
On Monday I was blessed to see a friend who I have not seen in a year. Her life is a testament to the power of prayer and her faith in God as our loving Father. She is battling several serious illnesses, not the least of which is leukemia. Her story of how God has saved her life time and time again and how even when she wants to give up she knows that if she is still here He must have a purpose for her was humbling and inspiring! Would I have that much faith and courage if I faced what she is facing? We prayed together and ate together and exchanged gifts. It was such a lovely time.
Tuesday I learned a lot about leadership and team work as I sat with the directional team at Gateway in our morning meeting. In staff meeting I was convicted (as I would be many times last week), that I was not spending enough time in prayer, alone and with others. I also shared the challenges I’ve been facing with fibromyalgia with the staff. The support that was shown to me by many was really encouraging. I absolutely love the people I work with!
Wednesday started really early for me – 5:45 am! Some of you are laughing at the thought that I’d actually even get up that early. But it was sooo worth it. I had the privilege of taking Miriam and her mom, Jamilah, to her middle school for breakfast where we celebrated outstanding students, including Miriam, who were being nominated that morning. I met Miriam’s teacher, Kathleen, who had nominated her for the award, which recognizes not just academic success but focuses on exemplary citizenship. Kathleen has Miriam for ESL class 3 hours each day. She bragged on Miriam, who in returned blushed but also beamed. Afterwards, Jamilah and I found our way to Abdallah’s school (he’s the boy I talked about in my last entry) to drop him off because he’d missed his bus. It was sooo wonderful that when we turned the corner and Abdallah saw his school, he started excitedly repeating “my school, my school”. The fuss over not wanted to go to school that morning immediately forgotten as he led us through the halls to his classroom.
Thursday is my official favorite day of the week! Yes, driving class! I have to admit, I was tired by Thursday night as it is the last day of my work week. But I knew I would not regret getting out to driving class. So, I coaxed myself out the door, drove to class and felt immediately alive as I walked through the door and saw Gabrielle – the dad of the Burundian family Gateway helped to resettle last year. There he stood in his cowboy hat (see photo)! He is such a clown – I just love it. I got to be his tutor and it was a blast. What was really amazing to me though was getting to talk to him. When the team and I met him and his family at the airport last September, we could only communicate with smiles and through an interpreter. For the first time on Thursday, I was having conversations with Gabrielle (his English is really coming along) and I seriously kept tearing up. It is soooo amazing to me how God uses us to truly impact the lives of others. Gabrielle and his family are in the US after nearly 30 years in refugee camps because of the commitment, generosity and love of many Gatewayers. To see Gabrielle beginning to learn the skills he needs to “succeed” in the US and know that he and his family will therefore be ok, was such a blessing! To hear him say as he has from day one: “no English, no life” and see that he is committing himself to that belief was really amazing. He works many, many hours of hard labor each week and still comes out to class 4 nights a week. No English, no new job, no life is what he now says. And he is committed to doing what it takes to make sure he and his family make it!
Friday Josh, John, Bill, MaryKay and I all went to see James in his play, JB. Since starting at MacCallum last year, James has been behind the scenes as he is a technical theater major. But last night he had two roles in the play. The main role was quite interesting… a fire and brimstone pastor in the WWII era. And he played it fabulously! He does not get home from rehearsal until 10pm most nights and still has to do homework. On weekends, most of his afternoon and evening is also at the theater, yet he has never given me a hard time about doing his chores. I am so impressed with him and his commitment to doing what it takes to achieve his goals as well.
Seems that a theme is emerging here, doesn’t it?
So I guess it is only fair that I close with mention of Josh. Today, I had the pleasure of helping him with his science report. He was so humble as I made suggestions and he taught me a lot as he shared the report with me. He spent several hours finishing his research today (after several weeks of research and conducting an experiment). I spent maybe 2 hours helping him type it up. Without solicitation he thanked me for helping him in such a genuine way it brought tears to my eyes. His heart is so special and I love getting to spend time with him and witness that.
Not a bad week, huh? I feel like I got this one right… spent time on relationships and was able to learn from so many people. A week like this gives me such encouragement about myself, others and the world. I pray that your week will be equally blessed!

Just a Fish?

As I stare at the orange fish, I realize its significance. The two fish"isms" that come quickly to mind are the fish that symbolizes "I'm a follower of the Fisher of Men/Christ" and the belief that "if you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but if you teach him to fish he eats for a lifetime". I'm struck by how profoundly these two fishisms and my orange fish connect. . .
On Monday afternoon I had the joy of spending time with the Somali/Yemen refugee family Gateway is helping to resettle here in Austin. This was the first of our Monday tutoring sessions where I am supposed to help them learn English. But so much more took place there.
First, I have to admit I was nervous and would not go unless I had a partner -- Ericka. I just couldn't figure out how I was going to help this family learn English when I can't speak Arabic. Going to the driving class (see previous post) last week helped. But still, I wanted someone English speaking with me to help me muddle through. And Ericka did some tutoring with the Burundi family we resettled last year.
Anyhow, my perception that we'd just stare at each other was completely wrong. This family is soooo lovely. They wanted us to feel at home. Miriam, the 13 year old daughter, brought us each a glass of diet soda. Jamilah, the mom, made sure we were comfortable at the table. Abdulah, the 8 year old son, was at first shy and standoffish.
As we went through the lesson (a worksheet with words for clothing that I was able to create using an online tool -- very cool!) it became obvious that Miriam is doing quite well learning English. She is a really smart girl already getting 95s on her math papers and being honored for her good work during the first part of the year (have I mentioned they only arrived in the US in September?!) with other students at a breakfast next week! And her smile can light up a room. I can't tell you how much I came to adore her in just an hour. I will get the privilege of taking her and her mom to the breakfast she'll be honored at next week and I am already really excited.
Also, as we went through the lesson Abdulah began to get interested. At first shyly staying by his mom's side, he worked on his own worksheet and smiled as we complimented his work. When Jamilah got up to get us tea and dates (did I mention how wonderfully hospitable she is?), Abdulah began to get more comfortable with us. But what really did it was when Ericka showed him the photo on her cell phone of her dog, Jacko. Abdulah really like that. And, of course, I couldn't let my kitties get dissed, so I took out my phone and showed Abdulah Gizmo (my boy cat). Turns out, Abdulah LOVES cats! He got very excited, took the phone from my hand and showed it to his mom. Then I showed him the photo of my girl cat and he anxiously asked her name and shared that with his mom. He was beaming.
What I didn't realize was that as Ericka and I enjoyed tea and dates with Jamilah and Miriam, Abdulah still had my phone! Suddenly, I became aware of the sound of the camera function repeatedly resounding down the hall. The entire table erupted into laughter as all saw the surprise on my face... turns out Abdulah took 30 photos in about 3 minutes! It actually became quite fun and educational as we looked at the photos together and he told me, in English, what each was.
It was curious to see what Abdulah was taking photos of -- things. His closet, dresser, window, mom's bed, sister's bed, ceiling light, and this orange thing that I could not distinguish. They started saying "fish" but I could not figure out how this orange blur on my phone was a fish and was also wondering "do they have a fish?" Abdulah ran off to his room and quickly returned, face beaming, with a 2" orange fish (stuffed animal). I laughed and we moved on to other things.
A short while later it was time for Ericka and I to leave. We shared big hugs with each family member --already looking forward to our next visit. Then Abdulah handed me the fish. At first I didn't understand, but he and Jamilah made it clear that Abdulah was gifting this to me. It was such a shock. I had brought some props over for our lesson and this shoe key chain had been a big hit, so I tried to offer it to Abdulah in "exchange" for the fish. But he wouldn't take it. He wanted me to receive the gift.
I may not be able to fully express why this was such a poignant moment for me. But I will say that when I brought the props over to the apartment that evening I assumed, having worked with a variety of children, in the US and abroad, of various backgrounds and ethnicities and social classes, that the kids would try to keep something or make it clear they'd really like to have something I brought -- I'd actually picked things that I intended to leave or give as rewards or let them have if they asked. But as we were going through the exercise I just didn't feel it was necessary. There wasn't a single insinuation that they thought they should or would get to keep any of it. Then Abdulah gives me a gift. A young man who came to the US only 8 weeks ago with only a small suitcase to his name. And he gave to me something of his.
The beauty of that fish is a powerful representation of the intersecting of the two other fish'isms I referenced at the start. Christ died so that we would receive the gift of life -- He gave His life for ours -- He was a fisher of men. No one was out of his reach or beneath him or beyond him. He calls us to be fishers of men. He also calls us to teach men to fish -- throughout the bible we are called to care for the least of these and provide for their needs. And, we are called to be teachers as well as preachers.
That orange fish represents the work that is happening through Christ followers as they fish for men and teach those men to fish. I believe this because I have seen the beauty of the resettlement team at Gateway. Their hearts for serving refugee families and becoming their friends are just so beautiful! It is through this that they build relationships that enable them to be fishers of men while they teach men to fish. And the result is an amazing connection to people of different backgrounds, faith, ethnicity and life experience.
But my experience with the orange fish is also a reminder to go humbly and without expectation and ALWAYS willing to learn. Because, Abdulah is a little Muslim boy who doesn't care that we have different beliefs or how much money we have or what our approach to ministry is. He just loves cats, gives great hugs and has a huge heart. Wouldn't it be great if as we fish for men and teach them to fish, we have a bit of Abdulah in us -- that we serve willing to give something that we value just to show our love for someone else?

Driving Class

I have known that God has given me a passion me to work with refugees for over a year now. Yet most of the work I do at Gateway does not relate to refugees and, even in the areas that do relate to refugees, I don't tend to work directly with refugees.... mostly my focus is on the programs and teams that work with them. So, lately I have begun to make efforts to find ways to work directly with refugees and it is amazing to see how that impacts me. Truly, after spending time interacting with folks in the refugee community I am literally giddy! It is sooo funny to see myself like that and to wonder why God wired a middle-class white girl from NY who didn't even know what a refugee was until 20 months ago to have a deep and driving passion to interact with refugees and to see their world transformed through social justice and the love of Christ. But He did and I trust his plans!

So, last night I got to participate in a driving class for refugees that a friend teaches. Don't worry, we don't get behind the wheel (and for those who've driven with this NY chick you probably are thinking I should not be giving anyone driving lessons!). It is all classroom teaching to prepare them for the permit exam. I learned two things:
1. our driving exam is stupid
2. trying to communicate English terms to someone with a limited understanding of English is actually fun if we both are humble about it

So, I had the joy of sitting between a man from Iraq and a young woman from the Congo. There I was with my English vocabulary and not a word of Arabic or Swahili under my belt. However, God blessed me, as this was my first experience in the class, that both of these folks have a fairly good understanding of English. But even so, how do you describe what a curb is to someone whose roads are dirt and without sidewalks?! Or how do you explain why... yes... here it is... the ultimate in stupid English language... why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway! That one was fun to try to explain to the very educated Iraqi man, Samah, who has a degree in electromechanical engineering. He was actually almost too smart to understand because the concept is truly stupid...park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.... what are we thinking?! And then we had to explain things like DWI and DUI as they are on the driving test. How do you explain what a crosswalk is and what a deer crossing is? Sounds like one is a lane for people and one for deer, right? How about "down pour" ... can't we just say rain? By the time we finished just reviewing the A-G driving test vocabulary words, I was really surprised that our American high school students are able to pass!!

But truly, it was such a blast. Samah and I laughed a lot as we tried to figure out how to define these English terms ... me speaking too fast and with a bit of NY still in my accent.... he relying on engineering terms that are logical to explain driving terms that really are not.

When the class was through, I headed over to watch football with my husband and some friends. It was hard at first to even focus on the game. I was just about jumping out of my seat because I was so happy. I had had such a wonderful evening. So, what is it that gets me all giddy like that? I think it is being in a room with such a variety of people... different languages, different skin tones, different life experiences, all working together, laughing, trying to understand each other, trying to teach each other... to me it is a little picture of heaven. God is so creative and I see that so clearly in multi-cultural environments... it truly is beautiful!

It's All Him!

7 years ago I arrived at Gateway Church. I came with several friends and we'd been "church hopping" -- checking out some area churches to see where we might "fit". At the end of that service that day, I turned to them and said, "I don't know where you'll be next Sunday, but I'll be here." Now that may sound harsh, but I think it truly defines what my life has been since that day. God grabbed my heart and He became my first priority. It wasn't Gateway that I was committing to that day, it was God. For a time He showed up as my relationship with Gateway, but before long, the relationship that was developing was directly between He and I. He definitely used Gateway as a part of that. I have been blessed with learning so much there -- from the Sunday morning talks to classes -- I have definitely learned. And I have been amazingly blessed with some of the most profound friendships of my life. To get to know people on a spiritual level takes friendship deeper than you can even imagine. Oh yeah, and let's not forget that I met my husband and step sons at Gateway! Talk about a life-changing day!!!
But truly, the day I said, "I don't know where you'll be next Sunday, but I'll be here" was course correcting day. "Here" in that statement is not a physical place, although I did think at the time it was. But what I was experiencing that morning was a sense of home I'd never experienced before. It was a sense of fitting; of belonging. And it truly wasn't about the albeit amazingly inviting atmosphere of Gateway. It was about entering into the embrace of God. And since that day "here" is the only place I want to be.
Being here has meant being guided by a loving, all-knowing Father who truly has my best in mind. It has meant learning how to let go of a lot of my "stuff" -- both literally and figuratively -- so I could actually become more of me. It has meant allowing God to heal my brokenness and allowing God to use my brokenness to heal others.
Sometimes people give me credit for the accomplishment of these last 7 years. There have been so many... a wonderful marriage, learning how to be a stepmom, phasing out of my marketing world into ministry, going on the mission field, leading others in missions, mending some family relationships that are so precious to me, becoming more of who I truly am. But the honest to God truth is that it hasn't been me. It's all Him! I could not have done any of this... and I likely wouldn't have even recognized the possibility of any of it. All I did was commit to be here with Him. He's done the rest. And I'm eternally grateful.

Transition

I think that some of the times that require the most faith are times of transition. Existing in the in between, knowing where you have been but not where you are going, can be scary. It is also a time when I believe God is actively growing us. I am in such a time now and it is hard! Driving into work this morning I became aware of these lyrics as they filled my car:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me

It feels like chaos, but I believe …

You’re up to something bigger than me

Larger than life, something heavenly

It was like God speaking directly to me. It felt as if I could have written this myself.
What are you up to God? I’m so excited to see how this all turns out, but the waiting gets so tough sometimes. But I know your plans are bigger than me. And I trust your perfect timing.

If the song connects with you, it is by Sanctus Real. Check them out: http://sanctusreal.com/

I'm just a work in progress

Each day I realize more and more that I am truly a work in progress. Sometimes I look back and am overwhelmed by how God has grown me since I started walking with Him 7 years ago. Other days I can't believe how far I have to go. But truth is, I am really enjoying the journey. As I sense God actively teaching me new things, at times it is a struggle to let go and let Him guide me. But when I look back and see the changes, I am always grateful.
So, I am starting a blog for the first time because I am sensing a big change coming. God has been working something in me for years now and I feel it is about to launch. It is a lot to explain so I'll do that in future blogs. But if you'd like to take this journey with me, see where God is leading, witness my stumbles and my lessons, and see what He reveals and how He reveals it, I invite you to hop on, hold on, and participate in the dialogue! Let's see what He shows us -- together!