I often hear fellow Christians (and myself at times) state: "God won't give me more than I can handle." I realized today that we are stopping that statement shy of the truth. The truth is, God will not give me more than I can handle without His help. I believe that it is because He loves us so much that He actually will give us (or at least allow us to experience) more than we can handle on our own; because when we cannot handle it, we turn to Him. He does this out of love as He desires this relationship with us and it is in partnership with Him that we can do (and handle) so much more than we can without Him.
Think of all of the biblical heroes who cried out to God and He helped them do more than they thought they possibly could. Could a young virgin have dealt with an unexplainable pregnancy without Him? Could a young Jewish woman have stood up for her people to her husband, the king, risking almost certain death? Could a man lead the Jews out of captivity without drowning them in the Red Sea when pursued by the Egyptians? Could a man who stoned Christians have become the founder of so many churches and author of several books of the bible? Could a carpenter have taken on the sins of the world and saved us all? Not without HIM.
Another thing happens when God asks us to take on more than we can handle... when we are successful, when we do overcome the challenges, He is glorified. For there is no question that what was done was not of our own ability. There is no question that He was with us every step of the way.
So the next time you have more than you can handle, praise God and ask Him to work with you in it knowing that with Him and through Him you too can handle whatever He asks of you. And when you want to grow closer to Him, take a risk and actually invite Him to give you more than you could possibly handle without His help. My prayer for all of us who follow Christ is that God will use each of us to do a work that is more than we can possibly do on our own and, in so doing, we will grow closer to Him and the world will know He is at work in us.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Just Know....
OK Lord. I’m going to share this struggle. I have to first admit that it is very challenging for me to do so before I see how You work it all out as I feel I’m not giving You glory and perhaps creating critics. But I have to trust You with the outcome and not take responsibility for the reactions of those who read this. I had known that things would not necessarily just be a straight line from the day I responded to Your call to leave my role at Gateway to the day things “fell into place” for my new role working as a faith coordinator in the refugee community. But knowing and experiencing are two very different things…
About 2 weeks ago, you began to prepare me for the first hiccup. Through my reading of “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World”, you led me to Mark 4:35-41 where the disciples are freaking out as a storm is coming and Jesus is asleep in the front of the boat. They wake Jesus. He calms the storm but then asks them why they freaked out and says they have little faith. What I took from that scripture is that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. But what I also took away is that You expect us to trust that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. This scripture was reiterated to me a couple of days later through another question in the bible study portion of the book. Then you demonstrated it to me when a friend shared something that You did in her life, that could only have been You and that showed You had been at work in a situation for 6 months, even though she couldn’t always see what You were doing on her behalf.
So when I talked with International Teams (ITeams) later that same week I had to take this verse to heart. ITeams shared that although they are very happy with my application to do this ministry work in Austin through them and my references were all good, they need to put me on hold as they search for a new director for their Refugee Ministry division. I could not pout or get upset… I had no choice but to expect that You are at work for my good in this even if I don’t yet see what You are doing. And I truly had a peace with that. However, I did find myself wondering what it was You were expecting next of me since I now was not clear on how to raise support without an organization for folks to donate that support to.
What was on my heart next was to share with 2 folks from 2 different churches the situation with ITeams and ask them for assistance in identifying an organization that would allow me to have my support go through them, at least temporarily. I also felt led to share that You’d put on my heart that I was to have/raise $35,000 start up funds for this new Austin ministry You were having me step into. That was a huge faith step for me. My mind was thinking of all the things they’d think of me: was I crazy thinking God had told me this was the money I was to raise; did they think I was a fake and it was really about the money; would they decide not to support the work they had seemed so enthusiastic about when we’d last talked; would they feel my seeking their assistance was a veiled attempt at getting them to provide funding. So many scary thoughts, but I sent the emails and then waited. To date I had one response, which did provide a suggestion for an organization that might help but was short and didn’t address any of the questions or details I had shared. I have not heard back from the other church.
I had also reached back out to my contact at ITeams as I had thought that it would make sense for me to still continue with the application process so that when the new director came on board we would be ready to move forward with this ministry in Austin as soon as he/she gave the thumbs up. I have to admit, his response was less enthusiastic than I’d expected. He has seemed so motivated to get me connected to ITeams for so long now. So the sense I got from his email of that he is now ok with the possibility that that might not happen was really unnerving for me. He didn’t do anything wrong and in no way told me that this wouldn’t move forward, but there was a change in tone that really threw me.
So, here I sit, the Sunday before my last week on staff at Gateway. I am trusting that God is at work in all of this. But, I also have this underlying anxiety over having absolutely no idea what He wants me to do next. I don’t want to get out in front of His plans. But I also don’t want to miss a step He is asking me to take. And, I know we need to pay bills. I do trust He will provide. I’m just not sure what that will look like and, to be honest, that is a bit freaky.
This is the time when all sorts of lies could go through my head and are certainly trying to. So, this is the time when I have to block those out with the voice of Truth. God has led me to this exact point on the path and I have to trust Him with next steps even though I can’t see what they are. Be still and know. Stop striving and know. Just know.
About 2 weeks ago, you began to prepare me for the first hiccup. Through my reading of “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World”, you led me to Mark 4:35-41 where the disciples are freaking out as a storm is coming and Jesus is asleep in the front of the boat. They wake Jesus. He calms the storm but then asks them why they freaked out and says they have little faith. What I took from that scripture is that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. But what I also took away is that You expect us to trust that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. This scripture was reiterated to me a couple of days later through another question in the bible study portion of the book. Then you demonstrated it to me when a friend shared something that You did in her life, that could only have been You and that showed You had been at work in a situation for 6 months, even though she couldn’t always see what You were doing on her behalf.
So when I talked with International Teams (ITeams) later that same week I had to take this verse to heart. ITeams shared that although they are very happy with my application to do this ministry work in Austin through them and my references were all good, they need to put me on hold as they search for a new director for their Refugee Ministry division. I could not pout or get upset… I had no choice but to expect that You are at work for my good in this even if I don’t yet see what You are doing. And I truly had a peace with that. However, I did find myself wondering what it was You were expecting next of me since I now was not clear on how to raise support without an organization for folks to donate that support to.
What was on my heart next was to share with 2 folks from 2 different churches the situation with ITeams and ask them for assistance in identifying an organization that would allow me to have my support go through them, at least temporarily. I also felt led to share that You’d put on my heart that I was to have/raise $35,000 start up funds for this new Austin ministry You were having me step into. That was a huge faith step for me. My mind was thinking of all the things they’d think of me: was I crazy thinking God had told me this was the money I was to raise; did they think I was a fake and it was really about the money; would they decide not to support the work they had seemed so enthusiastic about when we’d last talked; would they feel my seeking their assistance was a veiled attempt at getting them to provide funding. So many scary thoughts, but I sent the emails and then waited. To date I had one response, which did provide a suggestion for an organization that might help but was short and didn’t address any of the questions or details I had shared. I have not heard back from the other church.
I had also reached back out to my contact at ITeams as I had thought that it would make sense for me to still continue with the application process so that when the new director came on board we would be ready to move forward with this ministry in Austin as soon as he/she gave the thumbs up. I have to admit, his response was less enthusiastic than I’d expected. He has seemed so motivated to get me connected to ITeams for so long now. So the sense I got from his email of that he is now ok with the possibility that that might not happen was really unnerving for me. He didn’t do anything wrong and in no way told me that this wouldn’t move forward, but there was a change in tone that really threw me.
So, here I sit, the Sunday before my last week on staff at Gateway. I am trusting that God is at work in all of this. But, I also have this underlying anxiety over having absolutely no idea what He wants me to do next. I don’t want to get out in front of His plans. But I also don’t want to miss a step He is asking me to take. And, I know we need to pay bills. I do trust He will provide. I’m just not sure what that will look like and, to be honest, that is a bit freaky.
This is the time when all sorts of lies could go through my head and are certainly trying to. So, this is the time when I have to block those out with the voice of Truth. God has led me to this exact point on the path and I have to trust Him with next steps even though I can’t see what they are. Be still and know. Stop striving and know. Just know.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Contemplating 38
I wonder what my mom was thinking on this night 38 years ago. Probably, "Get this thing out of me!" Aside from being tired of being 9 months pregnant, I wonder what she was feeling. I was to be her first child. She likley didn't even know I'd be a girl as they didn't learn the gender before birth back then. Did she have a sense I would be a girl? Did she have an idea of who I'd become? Did she know that I'd reject the name she picked out for me in 30 years and go by "Kaylee" for the rest of my life?
What has Mom thought since that day? How have these 38 years looked to her? I guess I need to ask her to find out, but heck, it is so much more fun to just guess. I'm thinking she has seen a lot of changes in me since birth. I'm certainly taller now. But I figure she might also say I'm very much the same girl I was when I was little. After all, God knit me in her womb to be, well... me. I think Mom probably saw some of the qualities I have been blessed to possess in my being from an early age. And, I bet she'd share with y'all if you care to ask ways that I exhibited then a few of the less attractive traits I still possess today.
So what has this journey of 38 years been about if I am still Kaylee -- the same Kaylee (although Mom called me Courtney) that Mom gave birth to 38 years ago tomorrow? I think it has been about getting to know my Father God, and myself better each day. Life makes so much more sense looking backwards they say and I think "they" are right. I knew God the day I was born, after all, Christ was my first love, but I didn't really know Him or who I was in Him. Each day I learn that a little more -- who He is and who I am in Him. It is an exciting journey of self discovery and God discovery. It is all so much more than I could ever have imagined and yet so much simpler than I could ever have imagined. It comes down to love. The love that created me -- both God's love, and my parent's love-- and the love that sustains me -- both God's love and the love of the family and friends He has surrounded me with.
38 years of discovery and love... that is what my life is thus far. And, to be honest, I'm pretty satisfied with that. Of course, I'm also excited to see what God reveals to me in these next 38.
So, thanks Mom, for enduring the labor pains, kissing the skinned knees, waiting up for me to come home from an evening out with friends, loving me enough to let me move all the way to Austin, and helping me to see not only who I have become, but who I have always been.
And, thanks Father God, for my life, for creating me to be me, for your love, for your ultimate sacrifice, and for loving me enough to share this journey with me.
It's been a really good 38 years!
What has Mom thought since that day? How have these 38 years looked to her? I guess I need to ask her to find out, but heck, it is so much more fun to just guess. I'm thinking she has seen a lot of changes in me since birth. I'm certainly taller now. But I figure she might also say I'm very much the same girl I was when I was little. After all, God knit me in her womb to be, well... me. I think Mom probably saw some of the qualities I have been blessed to possess in my being from an early age. And, I bet she'd share with y'all if you care to ask ways that I exhibited then a few of the less attractive traits I still possess today.
So what has this journey of 38 years been about if I am still Kaylee -- the same Kaylee (although Mom called me Courtney) that Mom gave birth to 38 years ago tomorrow? I think it has been about getting to know my Father God, and myself better each day. Life makes so much more sense looking backwards they say and I think "they" are right. I knew God the day I was born, after all, Christ was my first love, but I didn't really know Him or who I was in Him. Each day I learn that a little more -- who He is and who I am in Him. It is an exciting journey of self discovery and God discovery. It is all so much more than I could ever have imagined and yet so much simpler than I could ever have imagined. It comes down to love. The love that created me -- both God's love, and my parent's love-- and the love that sustains me -- both God's love and the love of the family and friends He has surrounded me with.
38 years of discovery and love... that is what my life is thus far. And, to be honest, I'm pretty satisfied with that. Of course, I'm also excited to see what God reveals to me in these next 38.
So, thanks Mom, for enduring the labor pains, kissing the skinned knees, waiting up for me to come home from an evening out with friends, loving me enough to let me move all the way to Austin, and helping me to see not only who I have become, but who I have always been.
And, thanks Father God, for my life, for creating me to be me, for your love, for your ultimate sacrifice, and for loving me enough to share this journey with me.
It's been a really good 38 years!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The Good, The Bad and the Ugly... It's all good!
I honestly can say that I don't know what to write. Life seems to be flying by so quickly I can't keep up. God has connected me with some amazing folks these last couple of weeks and I'm learning so much from them and Him. It has been a roller coaster of great ah-has, amazing conversations, some feelings of 'how am I going to know what my next steps are with all this great info pouring in?' and some hard lessons about how I have handled some things this past year on top of it all! I guess the more we learn about the world, the more we learn about ourselves. And, perhaps, the more we learn about ourselves, the more we learn about God and His beautiful nature. Truly, we are made in His image, so when we learn something new about ourself, we learn something about Him. I find this takes two forms... the first is that if we learn something about ourselves that is yucky -- as I have these last couple of weeks -- it likely generated by our brokenness. In facing it and accepting the grace God offers, we can shed that layer, thus getting a little closer to being the person God created us to be. In this process we learn more about who that is and more about the One who created us. The second form is when we learn something about ourself that we like -- as I also have these last couple of weeks -- somehow it is easier to embrace this lesson. When we see something beautiful in ourselves it is a reflection of the beauty of God. Goodness and love are who He is, so when we see it in ourselves, we see a part of Him in us. Those are the fun recognitions. But ultimately, both lessons -- about our brokenness and our beauty -- give us an opportunity to learn more about who we are created to be and to celebrate the God that created us! Cool!
So, I guess I did have something to write today after all! God bless you!!!!
So, I guess I did have something to write today after all! God bless you!!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Time to let go and jump!
I haven't blogged in a while for many reasons. The primary one is that God has been actively moving in me to come to terms with the realization that it is time to transition out of my role at Gateway. I could not share this publicly via a blog until I had time to work through it with Gateway leadership and receive my pastor's blessing. Now that that has taken place I want to share with you so much.
My last day on Gateway staff will be March 15th. After 2.5 years serving with Gateway missions/Mobilization, I will let go and move into a new phase in my life. This year on staff in Mobilization has probably impacted me more than most other years in my life. I will never forget the journey and will greatly miss the team and staff that I love working with. But I am so excited for this next chapter... God is leading me to really focus on a ministry dedicated to assisting, supporting, encouraging and sharing God's love and purposes with refugees.
After a very important meeting last week that helped me to take this step, I had the opportunity to meditate on a verse and journal. I was able to really sit in the knowledge that God is actively at work. Here's what He revealed:
Ephesians 3:20-21 MSG: God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
My journal entry....
More than I could imagine:
I never knew I would have a heart for refugees. Until a year and a half ago, I did not even know what a refugee was. And, truly, I didn’t know you could unconditionally love someone you didn’t even know or feel joy just by being around them and hearing them speak to others in their language. I did not know I could have a passion for a people group that is truly intoxicating.
I didn’t know a year ago that I could shepherd people. I didn’t know that I’d like being on stage or teaching. I didn’t know that I could share my passion in a way that motivates others. If I had not trusted and taken the job at Gateway, even though it didn’t quite seem to align with this long-term vision of ministry work I sensed God calling me to, I would not have learned these things. The path is not always clear, but in our taking the next step – one step at a time – God reveals as much as we need to know.
That God can provide everything that is needed – that is truly something to see play out. I didn’t know how reliant I am on Him, but I am soon to find out as I step outside the bounds of a typical job with a set income. For so long, I did not know the adventure of following God that I now can attest to. Trusting the whisper, the sign, the Word, the input shared by a trusted friend. Seeking discernment and trusting that quiet voice. Knowing that you know what you know – even when it seems completely illogical. “…His Spirit deeply and gently within us.”
A friend who is developing a non-profit to work with refugees recently shared that organization’s 1-, 3-, and 5-year plans. I was shocked; not because they were so ambitious. In fact, she said, “maybe this sounds unrealistic” as she told me the 5-year plan, but I did not think so. No, I’m coming to realize that truly anything is possible. If God puts it on your heart, He’ll lead the way. But what shocked me, as I showed her a piece of paper that contained the 1-, 3-, and 5-year plan God had shared with me a few months ago, was that their plan for working with refugees was almost identical to that one that God had put on my heart. She and I had never talked about the majority of these goals prior to that evening. Only God could work out a convergence like that! How God weaves things together – is constantly weaving things together – is so utterly amazing to me. It is beautiful. It is a fulfillment of His promises.
Reading His promise in Ephesians 3:20-21, I have to wonder what more He will reveal. His plans are so beyond my ability to imagine; so it is likely I will truly be surprised – as I have been virtually every day since I started following Christ. So suddenly, my wildest dream doesn’t seem so irrational or inconceivable. Suddenly, it is not only possible but only part of the possibilities. God promises to do so much more than we can even imagine. What will He do next?
My last day on Gateway staff will be March 15th. After 2.5 years serving with Gateway missions/Mobilization, I will let go and move into a new phase in my life. This year on staff in Mobilization has probably impacted me more than most other years in my life. I will never forget the journey and will greatly miss the team and staff that I love working with. But I am so excited for this next chapter... God is leading me to really focus on a ministry dedicated to assisting, supporting, encouraging and sharing God's love and purposes with refugees.
After a very important meeting last week that helped me to take this step, I had the opportunity to meditate on a verse and journal. I was able to really sit in the knowledge that God is actively at work. Here's what He revealed:
Ephesians 3:20-21 MSG: God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
My journal entry....
More than I could imagine:
I never knew I would have a heart for refugees. Until a year and a half ago, I did not even know what a refugee was. And, truly, I didn’t know you could unconditionally love someone you didn’t even know or feel joy just by being around them and hearing them speak to others in their language. I did not know I could have a passion for a people group that is truly intoxicating.
I didn’t know a year ago that I could shepherd people. I didn’t know that I’d like being on stage or teaching. I didn’t know that I could share my passion in a way that motivates others. If I had not trusted and taken the job at Gateway, even though it didn’t quite seem to align with this long-term vision of ministry work I sensed God calling me to, I would not have learned these things. The path is not always clear, but in our taking the next step – one step at a time – God reveals as much as we need to know.
That God can provide everything that is needed – that is truly something to see play out. I didn’t know how reliant I am on Him, but I am soon to find out as I step outside the bounds of a typical job with a set income. For so long, I did not know the adventure of following God that I now can attest to. Trusting the whisper, the sign, the Word, the input shared by a trusted friend. Seeking discernment and trusting that quiet voice. Knowing that you know what you know – even when it seems completely illogical. “…His Spirit deeply and gently within us.”
A friend who is developing a non-profit to work with refugees recently shared that organization’s 1-, 3-, and 5-year plans. I was shocked; not because they were so ambitious. In fact, she said, “maybe this sounds unrealistic” as she told me the 5-year plan, but I did not think so. No, I’m coming to realize that truly anything is possible. If God puts it on your heart, He’ll lead the way. But what shocked me, as I showed her a piece of paper that contained the 1-, 3-, and 5-year plan God had shared with me a few months ago, was that their plan for working with refugees was almost identical to that one that God had put on my heart. She and I had never talked about the majority of these goals prior to that evening. Only God could work out a convergence like that! How God weaves things together – is constantly weaving things together – is so utterly amazing to me. It is beautiful. It is a fulfillment of His promises.
Reading His promise in Ephesians 3:20-21, I have to wonder what more He will reveal. His plans are so beyond my ability to imagine; so it is likely I will truly be surprised – as I have been virtually every day since I started following Christ. So suddenly, my wildest dream doesn’t seem so irrational or inconceivable. Suddenly, it is not only possible but only part of the possibilities. God promises to do so much more than we can even imagine. What will He do next?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Life Experiment
John and I had a wonderful time last weekend. During my day off on Friday I treated myself to a day of pampering – new hair style, pedicure and manicure. I really felt like God was giving me a day to just enjoy being spoiled by him. How wonderful! That evening, John and I enjoyed time with friends at the Gateway Staff Christmas Party. Saturday we created our e-Christmas card together and began sending to friends and family around the country (if you are wondering why you didn’t get one, you might want to make sure I have your email address!). That afternoon we launched into our 6-year anniversary celebration, which included dinner followed by hanging out with friends as JJ and his band jammed out some tunes at a nearby coffee shop. Celebration continued into Sunday with brunch at our favorite spot, Café Java in Round Rock, followed by an afternoon of football – including a win by my Steelers! – and an evening of celebration at Gateway’s 180 Christmas service. It was exactly what I had wanted the weekend to be, yet something in me did not feel right…
A little history might shed some light. A couple of weeks ago, John and I did a smoothie and soup cleanse. This broke some really bad eating habits that had crept back into our lives and also made us feel better about ourselves. For me it broke a fixation on food that had been developing this year. Since ending the cleanse the weekend before, we had eaten very healthy all week, had lost several pounds and had not indulged in dessert or really been distracted by a desire for it. I planned ahead for how I would handle food on the celebratory weekend. I knew I would have dessert on Friday and Saturday and enjoy something decadent at brunch on Sunday. So, all other meals that weekend were healthy. And yet, after not really enjoying the Friday evening meal or dessert, I found myself become fixated on food again. The meal had not met my expectations and I was disappointed and now had to find a way to meet the desire for a really good dessert. The problem is, no food will ever truly satisfy. The fixation with getting a “fix” from food is unhealthy and it was shocking to see how quickly it had crept back in!
But there was more, although quite linked I believe. I had enjoyed a true day of luxury on Friday. Not to sound like a martyr because John and I are very blessed to be able to enjoy evenings out, vacations, wonderful meals, and a comfortable spacious home, but I don’t generally fixate on myself and beautifying for an entire day, so it really was a treat. However, it switched something in my brain. That evening when it came time to pick out a gift from Gateway at the party, I was completely me focused. Rather than getting a gift labeled “anyone” (meaning it wasn’t gender specific and could be shared by me and John) I picked one labeled “female”. Then I wasn’t thrilled with what it was and started getting this yucky feeling inside because others were opening gifts that were cool and how come I hadn’t gotten that or that or… well you get the picture. Ugly!
What I noticed was the more time I spent during the weekend experiencing luxury – good meals, entertainment, receiving gifts – the more I became dissatisfied because my expectations of these things were not being met. It is so challenging for me to get my mind around this, but the truth is I feel much more fulfilled and full when I am not focused on getting what I want or need. I had much more joy tutoring at the refugee class and staying out later than intended so that I could provide a ride home for a refugee man who otherwise would have had to take 3 buses to get home than I did focused on eating lovely free meals, getting gifts and just enjoying entertainment. What?! How do I feel more fulfilled serving than being served?! It seems so backwards.
So this truly demonstrated to me, without my even trying to make this some sort of life experiment, the wonderful upsidedowness of Jesus’ message: It is truly more life giving to serve others than oneself. I can see it every day… as soon as I become caught up in my own expectations – be they of how quickly the cashier should ring up my groceries or what a particular meal would taste like or how a friend should have known what to say to me in a given circumstance – I become disappointed and ugliness begins to rise up in me. But when I focus on caring for others, be they my family and friends, refugees I volunteer with, or complete strangers that just need a smile or help picking up the orange they dropped while shopping in the produce section – I fill filled with love for them and for myself. And I feel like I get a glimpse of how God sees us; not with judgment but with love and a desire to help us even in our ugliness! I'm so grateful for that because I see now that that ugliness rises in me soooo easily. It is humbling to learn this and it is exciting to know that by simply focusing on others I not only become a better person but my life is actually richer for it!
A little history might shed some light. A couple of weeks ago, John and I did a smoothie and soup cleanse. This broke some really bad eating habits that had crept back into our lives and also made us feel better about ourselves. For me it broke a fixation on food that had been developing this year. Since ending the cleanse the weekend before, we had eaten very healthy all week, had lost several pounds and had not indulged in dessert or really been distracted by a desire for it. I planned ahead for how I would handle food on the celebratory weekend. I knew I would have dessert on Friday and Saturday and enjoy something decadent at brunch on Sunday. So, all other meals that weekend were healthy. And yet, after not really enjoying the Friday evening meal or dessert, I found myself become fixated on food again. The meal had not met my expectations and I was disappointed and now had to find a way to meet the desire for a really good dessert. The problem is, no food will ever truly satisfy. The fixation with getting a “fix” from food is unhealthy and it was shocking to see how quickly it had crept back in!
But there was more, although quite linked I believe. I had enjoyed a true day of luxury on Friday. Not to sound like a martyr because John and I are very blessed to be able to enjoy evenings out, vacations, wonderful meals, and a comfortable spacious home, but I don’t generally fixate on myself and beautifying for an entire day, so it really was a treat. However, it switched something in my brain. That evening when it came time to pick out a gift from Gateway at the party, I was completely me focused. Rather than getting a gift labeled “anyone” (meaning it wasn’t gender specific and could be shared by me and John) I picked one labeled “female”. Then I wasn’t thrilled with what it was and started getting this yucky feeling inside because others were opening gifts that were cool and how come I hadn’t gotten that or that or… well you get the picture. Ugly!
What I noticed was the more time I spent during the weekend experiencing luxury – good meals, entertainment, receiving gifts – the more I became dissatisfied because my expectations of these things were not being met. It is so challenging for me to get my mind around this, but the truth is I feel much more fulfilled and full when I am not focused on getting what I want or need. I had much more joy tutoring at the refugee class and staying out later than intended so that I could provide a ride home for a refugee man who otherwise would have had to take 3 buses to get home than I did focused on eating lovely free meals, getting gifts and just enjoying entertainment. What?! How do I feel more fulfilled serving than being served?! It seems so backwards.
So this truly demonstrated to me, without my even trying to make this some sort of life experiment, the wonderful upsidedowness of Jesus’ message: It is truly more life giving to serve others than oneself. I can see it every day… as soon as I become caught up in my own expectations – be they of how quickly the cashier should ring up my groceries or what a particular meal would taste like or how a friend should have known what to say to me in a given circumstance – I become disappointed and ugliness begins to rise up in me. But when I focus on caring for others, be they my family and friends, refugees I volunteer with, or complete strangers that just need a smile or help picking up the orange they dropped while shopping in the produce section – I fill filled with love for them and for myself. And I feel like I get a glimpse of how God sees us; not with judgment but with love and a desire to help us even in our ugliness! I'm so grateful for that because I see now that that ugliness rises in me soooo easily. It is humbling to learn this and it is exciting to know that by simply focusing on others I not only become a better person but my life is actually richer for it!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Important Stuff
I was starting to feel pressure because I haven’t written in the blog for a week. I know all my adoring fans are anxiously awaiting my next entry (all 3 of you – your support is tremendously appreciated!). And so much has happened this week. Each experience would have made a great entry. But the truth is, there wasn’t time to both experience the relationships and events of this week and write about them. So, hopefully, I chose the important stuff. See what you think…
Last Saturday we spent the day as a family playing games until James had to go to school to work on the show. That evening Josh, John and I just hung out – no agenda, no events.
Sunday we launched the Global Gift Fair at Gateway. An event that supports crafts people in under-resourced countries as well as our partners in the Dominican Republic and Zambia while also sharing information with Gatewayers about needs around the globe and giving them an opportunity to purchase gifts or make donations that benefit these under-resourced areas. I helped Anne set up and oversee the event, shared information with a lot of folks, and got to see many happy faces as people found “just the right gift” for someone they loved. Then I got to go home and watch the Steelers kick the Patriots’ butt!
On Monday I was blessed to see a friend who I have not seen in a year. Her life is a testament to the power of prayer and her faith in God as our loving Father. She is battling several serious illnesses, not the least of which is leukemia. Her story of how God has saved her life time and time again and how even when she wants to give up she knows that if she is still here He must have a purpose for her was humbling and inspiring! Would I have that much faith and courage if I faced what she is facing? We prayed together and ate together and exchanged gifts. It was such a lovely time.
Tuesday I learned a lot about leadership and team work as I sat with the directional team at Gateway in our morning meeting. In staff meeting I was convicted (as I would be many times last week), that I was not spending enough time in prayer, alone and with others. I also shared the challenges I’ve been facing with fibromyalgia with the staff. The support that was shown to me by many was really encouraging. I absolutely love the people I work with!
Wednesday started really early for me – 5:45 am! Some of you are laughing at the thought that I’d actually even get up that early. But it was sooo worth it. I had the privilege of taking Miriam and her mom, Jamilah, to her middle school for breakfast where we celebrated outstanding students, including Miriam, who were being nominated that morning. I met Miriam’s teacher, Kathleen, who had nominated her for the award, which recognizes not just academic success but focuses on exemplary citizenship. Kathleen has Miriam for ESL class 3 hours each day. She bragged on Miriam, who in returned blushed but also beamed. Afterwards, Jamilah and I found our way to Abdallah’s school (he’s the boy I talked about in my last entry) to drop him off because he’d missed his bus. It was sooo wonderful that when we turned the corner and Abdallah saw his school, he started excitedly repeating “my school, my school”. The fuss over not wanted to go to school that morning immediately forgotten as he led us through the halls to his classroom.
Thursday is my official favorite day of the week! Yes, driving class! I have to admit, I was tired by Thursday night as it is the last day of my work week. But I knew I would not regret getting out to driving class. So, I coaxed myself out the door, drove to class and felt immediately alive as I walked through the door and saw Gabrielle – the dad of the Burundian family Gateway helped to resettle last year. There he stood in his cowboy hat (see photo)! He is such a clown – I just love it. I got to be his tutor and it was a blast. What was really amazing to me though was getting to talk to him. When the team and I met him and his family at the airport last September, we could only communicate with smiles and through an interpreter. For the first time on Thursday, I was having conversations with Gabrielle (his English is really coming along) and I seriously kept tearing up. It is soooo amazing to me how God uses us to truly impact the lives of others. Gabrielle and his family are in the US after nearly 30 years in refugee camps because of the commitment, generosity and love of many Gatewayers. To see Gabrielle beginning to learn the skills he needs to “succeed” in the US and know that he and his family will therefore be ok, was such a blessing! To hear him say as he has from day one: “no English, no life” and see that he is committing himself to that belief was really amazing. He works many, many hours of hard labor each week and still comes out to class 4 nights a week. No English, no new job, no life is what he now says. And he is committed to doing what it takes to make sure he and his family make it!
Friday Josh, John, Bill, MaryKay and I all went to see James in his play, JB. Since starting at MacCallum last year, James has been behind the scenes as he is a technical theater major. But last night he had two roles in the play. The main role was quite interesting… a fire and brimstone pastor in the WWII era. And he played it fabulously! He does not get home from rehearsal until 10pm most nights and still has to do homework. On weekends, most of his afternoon and evening is also at the theater, yet he has never given me a hard time about doing his chores. I am so impressed with him and his commitment to doing what it takes to achieve his goals as well.
Seems that a theme is emerging here, doesn’t it?
So I guess it is only fair that I close with mention of Josh. Today, I had the pleasure of helping him with his science report. He was so humble as I made suggestions and he taught me a lot as he shared the report with me. He spent several hours finishing his research today (after several weeks of research and conducting an experiment). I spent maybe 2 hours helping him type it up. Without solicitation he thanked me for helping him in such a genuine way it brought tears to my eyes. His heart is so special and I love getting to spend time with him and witness that.
Not a bad week, huh? I feel like I got this one right… spent time on relationships and was able to learn from so many people. A week like this gives me such encouragement about myself, others and the world. I pray that your week will be equally blessed!
Last Saturday we spent the day as a family playing games until James had to go to school to work on the show. That evening Josh, John and I just hung out – no agenda, no events.
Sunday we launched the Global Gift Fair at Gateway. An event that supports crafts people in under-resourced countries as well as our partners in the Dominican Republic and Zambia while also sharing information with Gatewayers about needs around the globe and giving them an opportunity to purchase gifts or make donations that benefit these under-resourced areas. I helped Anne set up and oversee the event, shared information with a lot of folks, and got to see many happy faces as people found “just the right gift” for someone they loved. Then I got to go home and watch the Steelers kick the Patriots’ butt!
On Monday I was blessed to see a friend who I have not seen in a year. Her life is a testament to the power of prayer and her faith in God as our loving Father. She is battling several serious illnesses, not the least of which is leukemia. Her story of how God has saved her life time and time again and how even when she wants to give up she knows that if she is still here He must have a purpose for her was humbling and inspiring! Would I have that much faith and courage if I faced what she is facing? We prayed together and ate together and exchanged gifts. It was such a lovely time.
Tuesday I learned a lot about leadership and team work as I sat with the directional team at Gateway in our morning meeting. In staff meeting I was convicted (as I would be many times last week), that I was not spending enough time in prayer, alone and with others. I also shared the challenges I’ve been facing with fibromyalgia with the staff. The support that was shown to me by many was really encouraging. I absolutely love the people I work with!
Wednesday started really early for me – 5:45 am! Some of you are laughing at the thought that I’d actually even get up that early. But it was sooo worth it. I had the privilege of taking Miriam and her mom, Jamilah, to her middle school for breakfast where we celebrated outstanding students, including Miriam, who were being nominated that morning. I met Miriam’s teacher, Kathleen, who had nominated her for the award, which recognizes not just academic success but focuses on exemplary citizenship. Kathleen has Miriam for ESL class 3 hours each day. She bragged on Miriam, who in returned blushed but also beamed. Afterwards, Jamilah and I found our way to Abdallah’s school (he’s the boy I talked about in my last entry) to drop him off because he’d missed his bus. It was sooo wonderful that when we turned the corner and Abdallah saw his school, he started excitedly repeating “my school, my school”. The fuss over not wanted to go to school that morning immediately forgotten as he led us through the halls to his classroom.
Thursday is my official favorite day of the week! Yes, driving class! I have to admit, I was tired by Thursday night as it is the last day of my work week. But I knew I would not regret getting out to driving class. So, I coaxed myself out the door, drove to class and felt immediately alive as I walked through the door and saw Gabrielle – the dad of the Burundian family Gateway helped to resettle last year. There he stood in his cowboy hat (see photo)! He is such a clown – I just love it. I got to be his tutor and it was a blast. What was really amazing to me though was getting to talk to him. When the team and I met him and his family at the airport last September, we could only communicate with smiles and through an interpreter. For the first time on Thursday, I was having conversations with Gabrielle (his English is really coming along) and I seriously kept tearing up. It is soooo amazing to me how God uses us to truly impact the lives of others. Gabrielle and his family are in the US after nearly 30 years in refugee camps because of the commitment, generosity and love of many Gatewayers. To see Gabrielle beginning to learn the skills he needs to “succeed” in the US and know that he and his family will therefore be ok, was such a blessing! To hear him say as he has from day one: “no English, no life” and see that he is committing himself to that belief was really amazing. He works many, many hours of hard labor each week and still comes out to class 4 nights a week. No English, no new job, no life is what he now says. And he is committed to doing what it takes to make sure he and his family make it!
Friday Josh, John, Bill, MaryKay and I all went to see James in his play, JB. Since starting at MacCallum last year, James has been behind the scenes as he is a technical theater major. But last night he had two roles in the play. The main role was quite interesting… a fire and brimstone pastor in the WWII era. And he played it fabulously! He does not get home from rehearsal until 10pm most nights and still has to do homework. On weekends, most of his afternoon and evening is also at the theater, yet he has never given me a hard time about doing his chores. I am so impressed with him and his commitment to doing what it takes to achieve his goals as well.
Seems that a theme is emerging here, doesn’t it?
So I guess it is only fair that I close with mention of Josh. Today, I had the pleasure of helping him with his science report. He was so humble as I made suggestions and he taught me a lot as he shared the report with me. He spent several hours finishing his research today (after several weeks of research and conducting an experiment). I spent maybe 2 hours helping him type it up. Without solicitation he thanked me for helping him in such a genuine way it brought tears to my eyes. His heart is so special and I love getting to spend time with him and witness that.
Not a bad week, huh? I feel like I got this one right… spent time on relationships and was able to learn from so many people. A week like this gives me such encouragement about myself, others and the world. I pray that your week will be equally blessed!
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