Just Know....

OK Lord. I’m going to share this struggle. I have to first admit that it is very challenging for me to do so before I see how You work it all out as I feel I’m not giving You glory and perhaps creating critics. But I have to trust You with the outcome and not take responsibility for the reactions of those who read this. I had known that things would not necessarily just be a straight line from the day I responded to Your call to leave my role at Gateway to the day things “fell into place” for my new role working as a faith coordinator in the refugee community. But knowing and experiencing are two very different things…

About 2 weeks ago, you began to prepare me for the first hiccup. Through my reading of “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World”, you led me to Mark 4:35-41 where the disciples are freaking out as a storm is coming and Jesus is asleep in the front of the boat. They wake Jesus. He calms the storm but then asks them why they freaked out and says they have little faith. What I took from that scripture is that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. But what I also took away is that You expect us to trust that You are always at work for our good even when we can’t see it. This scripture was reiterated to me a couple of days later through another question in the bible study portion of the book. Then you demonstrated it to me when a friend shared something that You did in her life, that could only have been You and that showed You had been at work in a situation for 6 months, even though she couldn’t always see what You were doing on her behalf.

So when I talked with International Teams (ITeams) later that same week I had to take this verse to heart. ITeams shared that although they are very happy with my application to do this ministry work in Austin through them and my references were all good, they need to put me on hold as they search for a new director for their Refugee Ministry division. I could not pout or get upset… I had no choice but to expect that You are at work for my good in this even if I don’t yet see what You are doing. And I truly had a peace with that. However, I did find myself wondering what it was You were expecting next of me since I now was not clear on how to raise support without an organization for folks to donate that support to.

What was on my heart next was to share with 2 folks from 2 different churches the situation with ITeams and ask them for assistance in identifying an organization that would allow me to have my support go through them, at least temporarily. I also felt led to share that You’d put on my heart that I was to have/raise $35,000 start up funds for this new Austin ministry You were having me step into. That was a huge faith step for me. My mind was thinking of all the things they’d think of me: was I crazy thinking God had told me this was the money I was to raise; did they think I was a fake and it was really about the money; would they decide not to support the work they had seemed so enthusiastic about when we’d last talked; would they feel my seeking their assistance was a veiled attempt at getting them to provide funding. So many scary thoughts, but I sent the emails and then waited. To date I had one response, which did provide a suggestion for an organization that might help but was short and didn’t address any of the questions or details I had shared. I have not heard back from the other church.

I had also reached back out to my contact at ITeams as I had thought that it would make sense for me to still continue with the application process so that when the new director came on board we would be ready to move forward with this ministry in Austin as soon as he/she gave the thumbs up. I have to admit, his response was less enthusiastic than I’d expected. He has seemed so motivated to get me connected to ITeams for so long now. So the sense I got from his email of that he is now ok with the possibility that that might not happen was really unnerving for me. He didn’t do anything wrong and in no way told me that this wouldn’t move forward, but there was a change in tone that really threw me.

So, here I sit, the Sunday before my last week on staff at Gateway. I am trusting that God is at work in all of this. But, I also have this underlying anxiety over having absolutely no idea what He wants me to do next. I don’t want to get out in front of His plans. But I also don’t want to miss a step He is asking me to take. And, I know we need to pay bills. I do trust He will provide. I’m just not sure what that will look like and, to be honest, that is a bit freaky.

This is the time when all sorts of lies could go through my head and are certainly trying to. So, this is the time when I have to block those out with the voice of Truth. God has led me to this exact point on the path and I have to trust Him with next steps even though I can’t see what they are. Be still and know. Stop striving and know. Just know.

Contemplating 38

I wonder what my mom was thinking on this night 38 years ago. Probably, "Get this thing out of me!" Aside from being tired of being 9 months pregnant, I wonder what she was feeling. I was to be her first child. She likley didn't even know I'd be a girl as they didn't learn the gender before birth back then. Did she have a sense I would be a girl? Did she have an idea of who I'd become? Did she know that I'd reject the name she picked out for me in 30 years and go by "Kaylee" for the rest of my life?

What has Mom thought since that day? How have these 38 years looked to her? I guess I need to ask her to find out, but heck, it is so much more fun to just guess. I'm thinking she has seen a lot of changes in me since birth. I'm certainly taller now. But I figure she might also say I'm very much the same girl I was when I was little. After all, God knit me in her womb to be, well... me. I think Mom probably saw some of the qualities I have been blessed to possess in my being from an early age. And, I bet she'd share with y'all if you care to ask ways that I exhibited then a few of the less attractive traits I still possess today.

So what has this journey of 38 years been about if I am still Kaylee -- the same Kaylee (although Mom called me Courtney) that Mom gave birth to 38 years ago tomorrow? I think it has been about getting to know my Father God, and myself better each day. Life makes so much more sense looking backwards they say and I think "they" are right. I knew God the day I was born, after all, Christ was my first love, but I didn't really know Him or who I was in Him. Each day I learn that a little more -- who He is and who I am in Him. It is an exciting journey of self discovery and God discovery. It is all so much more than I could ever have imagined and yet so much simpler than I could ever have imagined. It comes down to love. The love that created me -- both God's love, and my parent's love-- and the love that sustains me -- both God's love and the love of the family and friends He has surrounded me with.

38 years of discovery and love... that is what my life is thus far. And, to be honest, I'm pretty satisfied with that. Of course, I'm also excited to see what God reveals to me in these next 38.

So, thanks Mom, for enduring the labor pains, kissing the skinned knees, waiting up for me to come home from an evening out with friends, loving me enough to let me move all the way to Austin, and helping me to see not only who I have become, but who I have always been.

And, thanks Father God, for my life, for creating me to be me, for your love, for your ultimate sacrifice, and for loving me enough to share this journey with me.

It's been a really good 38 years!