Life Experiment

John and I had a wonderful time last weekend. During my day off on Friday I treated myself to a day of pampering – new hair style, pedicure and manicure. I really felt like God was giving me a day to just enjoy being spoiled by him. How wonderful! That evening, John and I enjoyed time with friends at the Gateway Staff Christmas Party. Saturday we created our e-Christmas card together and began sending to friends and family around the country (if you are wondering why you didn’t get one, you might want to make sure I have your email address!). That afternoon we launched into our 6-year anniversary celebration, which included dinner followed by hanging out with friends as JJ and his band jammed out some tunes at a nearby coffee shop. Celebration continued into Sunday with brunch at our favorite spot, Café Java in Round Rock, followed by an afternoon of football – including a win by my Steelers! – and an evening of celebration at Gateway’s 180 Christmas service. It was exactly what I had wanted the weekend to be, yet something in me did not feel right…

A little history might shed some light. A couple of weeks ago, John and I did a smoothie and soup cleanse. This broke some really bad eating habits that had crept back into our lives and also made us feel better about ourselves. For me it broke a fixation on food that had been developing this year. Since ending the cleanse the weekend before, we had eaten very healthy all week, had lost several pounds and had not indulged in dessert or really been distracted by a desire for it. I planned ahead for how I would handle food on the celebratory weekend. I knew I would have dessert on Friday and Saturday and enjoy something decadent at brunch on Sunday. So, all other meals that weekend were healthy. And yet, after not really enjoying the Friday evening meal or dessert, I found myself become fixated on food again. The meal had not met my expectations and I was disappointed and now had to find a way to meet the desire for a really good dessert. The problem is, no food will ever truly satisfy. The fixation with getting a “fix” from food is unhealthy and it was shocking to see how quickly it had crept back in!

But there was more, although quite linked I believe. I had enjoyed a true day of luxury on Friday. Not to sound like a martyr because John and I are very blessed to be able to enjoy evenings out, vacations, wonderful meals, and a comfortable spacious home, but I don’t generally fixate on myself and beautifying for an entire day, so it really was a treat. However, it switched something in my brain. That evening when it came time to pick out a gift from Gateway at the party, I was completely me focused. Rather than getting a gift labeled “anyone” (meaning it wasn’t gender specific and could be shared by me and John) I picked one labeled “female”. Then I wasn’t thrilled with what it was and started getting this yucky feeling inside because others were opening gifts that were cool and how come I hadn’t gotten that or that or… well you get the picture. Ugly!

What I noticed was the more time I spent during the weekend experiencing luxury – good meals, entertainment, receiving gifts – the more I became dissatisfied because my expectations of these things were not being met. It is so challenging for me to get my mind around this, but the truth is I feel much more fulfilled and full when I am not focused on getting what I want or need. I had much more joy tutoring at the refugee class and staying out later than intended so that I could provide a ride home for a refugee man who otherwise would have had to take 3 buses to get home than I did focused on eating lovely free meals, getting gifts and just enjoying entertainment. What?! How do I feel more fulfilled serving than being served?! It seems so backwards.

So this truly demonstrated to me, without my even trying to make this some sort of life experiment, the wonderful upsidedowness of Jesus’ message: It is truly more life giving to serve others than oneself. I can see it every day… as soon as I become caught up in my own expectations – be they of how quickly the cashier should ring up my groceries or what a particular meal would taste like or how a friend should have known what to say to me in a given circumstance – I become disappointed and ugliness begins to rise up in me. But when I focus on caring for others, be they my family and friends, refugees I volunteer with, or complete strangers that just need a smile or help picking up the orange they dropped while shopping in the produce section – I fill filled with love for them and for myself. And I feel like I get a glimpse of how God sees us; not with judgment but with love and a desire to help us even in our ugliness! I'm so grateful for that because I see now that that ugliness rises in me soooo easily. It is humbling to learn this and it is exciting to know that by simply focusing on others I not only become a better person but my life is actually richer for it!